From my point of view....

flowerintherain @ 2006-10-08T05:13:00

2006-10-08T05:14:17Z

Kylor started crawing today!

Another visit to the doctor

2006-10-04T21:49:06Z

We went back to the doctor today for a follow-up app. for Kylors ear and other things. Turns out his ear drum was ruptured there was just soo much puss the other day the doctor couldn't see it. He is feeling better although his ear still hurts and he still has faver it is not near as high anymore and there are breif periods of time where he feels like his same jumping little self.
Oh yea, He has gained 2 lbs back.

As I was schedualing another visit for him because dr brown wanted to see him again next week I learned that there was another baby born on 2/12/06 named Kyler Eubanks. Isn't that funny? I asked the woman if it could just be my son just spelled wrong but she said no, that it was another baby. I wonder when his mothers B-day is lol.

A solid week of doctors

2006-10-02T23:09:48Z

Kylor went back tot he doctor today bcasue hewas still not better. I ws sitting in the waitning room when mom wentions something on his ear so I touchd his cheek to turn his face when a bunch of brown puss literally exploded out of his ear. It scared me to death.
He has lost 2 pounds and 11oz since wednesday of last week. He has been refusing to eat anything or drink any formula. He would just rarely take a pedialite bottle. Last wednesday he had adverse reactions to the antihistamine and screamed solid for over 24 hours. No sleep for mom and me.
All week the poor baby has been living from tylnol to motrin every 3 hours with raging fever and runny noses to now ear pain. The good news is he got an antibiotic and ear drops, and after his meds today and a 3 hour nap he woke up feeling much better thank the lord.
I feel liek I have been throught the ringer and hund to dry in a snow storm. I had no idea that it could be this way lol. I always thought that the doctors would do something to ease it a little.

Thanks for the prayers you guys.

Michael wrote me an email

2006-09-30T09:45:33Z

Kylor and I have been as sick as little mutt puppies. Ugh. I am up now because I cant lay down and breathe Tuesday Kylor was hit like a ton of brick with the cold or the flu "a viral infection". I took him to the dr on Wednesday where we were prescribed an antihistamine. Kylor had an adverse reaction to it and screamed non-stop until Friday morning.
I don’t mean he was fussy. he balled his fist and screamed. He has little busted vessels in his face because of it. I took him to the ER Thursday night but they said there was nothing that could be done, go get something over the counter. So I went to the pharmacy. The pharmacist said that key ingredient was the only thing to help an infant. So Kylor went cold turkey. at about 6 am on Friday he went to sleep for 2 hours. I took him back to the Dr Friday. So now we are doing pedia-lite , vick’s vapor rub and a vick’s vaporizer. He is a little better. He is not screaming and he is sleeping.

Michael found me through MySpace and wrote me a letter. Seems he was in a terrible car crash ( high of course) and nearly killed himself and another guy. He went to rehad and the judgelet him off of 5 to 10 years due to a DWI. (I think that is wrong!, he is probably going to do it aain and kill some one.) He sid he is moving with his mom and dad to Colorado to " start over" told me about how his addiction got soo bad. LIKe I COULD CARE! anyways...... He was " Sorry for the pain he caused me and my family" can you believe that!!!! not one mention of the baby either. the whole letter sounded exactly like one of those orny letters the rehabs have you write. Completely impersonal. I was sooooo angry. He was lazy about it to. He found e becaus ehis sister contacted me. He didn’t even have the guts to look me up himself!

NOw about his sister, She wrote me first through myspace and said that she was wondering how we were doing, so I talked to for a few minutes, we had been friends before. I told her that I didnt want her family involved and she said it was ok. The next day after Michael had written me I told her I was servering all ties. That my main priority is to take care of Kylor and to do that I had to preserve myself. Was I wrong in doing this? She said she would love to know him. Am I wronging Kylor through all of this? I just don’t know what to do.

Today......

2006-09-13T06:09:04Z

Shorty disapeared

flowerintherain @ 2006-09-06T01:55:00

2006-09-06T07:58:13Z

I'm getting ready for a garage sale so that I can clean my house up and be one of those "everything in its place" type people.
So here I am going through my closet not wanting to get rid of stupid little things like rocks that my cousin and I sat on my grandparents front porch and busted with hammers to see what treasures we would find inside. You know, stupid little things like that, but I am, I am moving on. I still cant help but feel a little sad while getting rid of my things. It's odd how you can hold onto to something so trivial as that but get rid of a designer bag with out a second thought.

When I carried Kylor I though I was going to be such a good mom. I looked at moms who were sick of thier children and pawning them of on every one else while they went and did what ever they do, I swore I would never be that way. i have only ever let him so far to go to th Dr or run to town forsomething never gone mor than 2 hours.
I won't, but today I got to the point where I just put Kylor down in his crib and walked away. No, I didn't go to the other side of the room... I went into the living room and burried my head for a few minutes. When I returned he was smiling and playing wih a toy. Today he has been so unhappy. He has screeched and squrimed, pulled my hair, and kicked, just flat out pitched fits, out of no where. He would be perfectly content and just start screeming. Mad like, not hurt or hungry or lonely. I didn't know what to do. I have done every thing in my power to give him what he wants or needs. What would cause a 6 month old baby to be unhappy? Maybe it beause he has been surrounded by people for solong and tod it was just me and mom. Oh, and another thing for nerly a week he has just flat out refused to eat baby food (he doesn't get real food) almost every time and if he does, its just a little bit. To any one out there.....Any suggestions on what to do?

flowerintherain @ 2006-08-26T00:36:00

2006-08-26T05:59:13Z

I love being a mom.

But I get freaked out by the future. I don't know what to do next. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going and I think in a small way I have been hiding here.

I've been at my sisters house for nearly two months and its time to go home. I've help with her kids or her addition or just plain been in the way, But I was progressive some of the time I was here.

I have no idea what I was doing with Michael. I never loved him, I suppose I didn't even really like him a great deal unless he wasn't being himself. Well we see what "himself" turned out to be. I totally stepped out of line of what gods will was for me there. I think I was broken hearted, scared and lonely and just desperately needed something completely different. I knew the whole time that I was screwing up.

I wouldn't take having Kylor for the world. I see all those single mothers running around out there completely ignoring their babies, or neglecting their babies to go and do what they and to do and I'm not going to do that. Im not even sure if I would want a relationship while Kylor is so young I don't want to be preoccupied by anything and years later look back at a failed relationship and say "I don't remember when he started walking because I was dating so and so then."

But last night I was laying there thinking about all kind of thing when I realized I cant remember the last time I was really kissed. I love hugs and kisses but feeling goes into both of those, If they are good ones you know it, you feel deep down that that means something, that it will be remembered. I remember who, but not when. I know its been well over two years since i've truly been kissed. Isn't that sad. I miss being kissed.

Kylors first reach.

2006-08-26T05:31:05Z

The 23rd of September Kylor reached for the first time. It was the day after Ethan came back from Colorado and Kylor reached for him twice that day. Kylor loves little people and men, so what could be better than Ethan.

We went to louisiana last week to visit relatives. Carly and I slept at grandmothers house because there was more room there for us. My Grandmother Actually knew who I was when she saw me. This is a big deal.
The first thing she said about Kylor is "He has a good head" and that he looked like my dad.
Every morning she thought I was my mom and would reach out and take my hand and say " Lona darlin, You've always taken such good care of me, I used to love it when you would cook me breakfast." so I would but very shortly after that she would know who I was again. It was kinda funny.
She kept asking me to take her home from the nursing home and would get quiet belligerent when I would tell her she was at home.

My Aunt Rebecca stays there to take care of her. Aunt Rebecca was my favorite person growing up. I thought she was so sweet and pretty and she plays the piano like and angel. It makes me so sad to look at her now, she is so lonely. Her house is about 2 miles away but her retired husband stays there all day and doesn't visit, he also sleeps at thier house. She cooks him dinner every night and takes it to him if there is some one to take care of my grandmother } usually the only person that is there to help is her sons ex-girlfriend} and if not he comes to pick it up. One night he did eat there but Aunt Rebecca had to go help grandmother and he left with out even saying goodbye. She tried to act like it was nothing but I could tell she was embarrassed. It was really sad. He has been a minister for as long as I can remember but I have never been entirely too fond of him, I didn't not like him, I just didn't like him. Another thing, No one around there finds his behavior odd. I dont know, I just think its sad.

Kylor went to sleep twice today sitting in my lap cuddling while I rubbed his back, it was so sweet.
He has also picked up kissing. He holds your face and coos while drooling all over your mouth or cheek or chin, well anny where really, Isn't that sweet lol.

flowerintherain @ 2006-08-01T00:04:00

2006-08-01T06:17:52Z

Well today was Kylor's first time swimming. I thought he would love it, he LOVES a bath. At first he didn't know what to think of it but after a little bit he really got into it he was kicking and grinning. It wore the both of us out.

Tomorrow is full of Dr's appointments. I get to see the Chiropractor Yay! Kylor has an appointment with some one rather than his regular dr because he is out of town. I think Kylors circumcision was not done properly which Really pushs my anger buttons, but anyway thats what he is seeing him for, so pray that that goes well for him.
I have an appointment with my Doctor at 6pm, how odd is that?

Some where we have to sqeeze in Pirates of the caribbean.

Did I mention how tired I am? Man, I just feel so drained all of the time.

My niece is due to have her Baby on the 8th and she looks rough. Her skin is broke out in some weird rash and her little feet and legs are soo swollen but she is still so cute.

OMG It's after 1 am Ugh.

An elaborate plot all for late night Taco Bell

2006-07-31T06:59:17Z

July 26 - Klyor pick up is rattle all by himself.

I've ben at my sisters house working for nearly a month. I came home for a week end and went to see my Great Aunt Helen's for a few days, but other than that I have been at Michelle's. I am home for a few days but im going back soon to help finish moving everything into the Add-on and organizing things. We are also going back to Aunt Helens to hear stories of her life and scan two hundred and eighty some odd love letters her husband wrote to her while in the military. It's soooo sweet.

Bitching episode feel free to skip.
I feel so off lately. I know I should have by now but I dont feel like I have recovered from Kylor's birth yet. I know I'm way to young to hurt this bad so that makes me feel like Im a wimp. Ive been incredibly gripey, I know. I dont mean to, I just have. I've had a hard time dealing with myself so I know others have had to struggle to do it. I lost my cell phone which really made me mad. I shoulda kept up with something so important, but I dont get signal in Henderson so why charge it up. Ive got to start working on the baby weight and im not even gonna talk about the muscle control you lose that comes from a C-section, or the weak muscles from hanging around ten or eight and a half in my case being pampered Ugh.
I had a tormenting dream about 7 dollars the other night , every one I knew said I owed them $7 and I had no cash. I think I woke more tired that when I went to bed.
kylor WILL NOT SLEEP all night he thinks he need to be in my bed but he is putting my arms to sleep. I know people who babies go to sleep and sleep 12 hours how do he do that?!?

Im not griping about Kylor.

I just turned 23 on the 28th of July and I had a nice birthay. My Mom and Dad came to Michelles and mom brought her famous gumbo, yum.
Oh, one funny thing Michelle and Stevie both gave me Birthday card with money in them but neither of them knew the other was giving me money so double the cash for me woo hoo!

Oh! I have a big black eye. Today is day seven and it still has a way to go untill healed. I was playing murder in the dark with kids and Justin ran into me with his head. My eye instantly started swelling when I turned on the light Miranda screamed " She moved her eye!!!" Thats how fast it swelled. Since it was so late I didnt feel safe just going to bed so we spent 3 hours in the emergancy room just for an X-ray. Nothing broken but it looks bad. There is a big knot on my eye lid that is not healing so I guess it will be another trip to the doctor for me. I haven't put on one ounce of makeup since then, I just feel like I look like white trash from Jerry Springer right now.
Caleb {Ethan's Friend}, walked in and asked me "Did you do that with a marker?" go figure.

Well im gonna sleep while Kylor does.

Dates to remember and mark in Kylors calender when we get home.

2006-07-22T00:52:31Z

July 9th: Kylor found his feet. He held on to his toes and rolled around like a weeble wable.

July 12: Kylor turned from his back to his belly, something he has been working on for a few days.

Oh Yea

2006-05-10T07:53:14Z

Last night I was laying on my bed playing with Kylor when across the room the mobile on the crib came on by its self and played for about 10 second then about 3 or 4 hours later it came on again when I was across the room and played 3 full rounds of brahms lullaby.

Creepy

rattler bootes and thumb sucking

2006-05-10T04:26:45Z

Kylor must be taking after his Aunt Michelle. He will NOT sleep. He will sleep during the day IF you hold him but I need to do some serious organizing. I have pictures on the computer and every date is wrong, uh.
I have baby shower gift bags set up in the room useful things in them, I love looking at the bags they're so darn cute. But its getting old now and I want my room back. Up until a week or two ago I had all the congratulation card set up on the entertainment center but my sister is gonna scrapbook them for me seeing as how I hardly have time for a shower any more.

Kylor has been going through this thing that he wants me to hold him. He loves talking to other people but he wants me to hold him while he does it. Its gotten a little better since we got home from Michelle's house but he is still a mamma's boy.

He is also trying to suck his thumb, he is really just picking up on it today though. Before he sucked his whole fist and made awful faces, now he can get his thumb occasionally but along with the faces comes gagging lol.

This week Ive been putting him in his crib under the mobile. He loves it, he just lays under it and coos and grins (I have pics, if you wanna see just email me). Until now he has been soo little that I just use the bassinet next to my bed or rolled it to what ever room I am in.

I love him so much and he is getting so much more fun to play with now. Today I put zebra rattle booties on him, every time he kicked his eyes would get bigger and he would grin ear to ear.

Well, he is sleeping so my time should be used to maintenance my self. I need to tan, I am so pail its pathetic.

Baby and me

2006-04-29T05:13:29Z

Well, here I am again. Its been too long since an update. Sorry.

Kylor last Friday was 8 lb 14 oz. He is finally cought on to the nursing thing like 3 weeks out of the hospital. Its his favorite.

He is so beautiful. His hair is getting longer and filling in on top and I think his eyes may stay blue. He is so sweet in the mornings, even on bad days he wakes up with a smile, he coos and grins ( well after breakfast that is) I love it. Out of all the swings , basinets , seats and beds ive bought him his favorite place to be is his changing table. He can be mid-wail and stop when you lay him on it. He loves baths. I dread his first bath, every infant ive ever seen has hated it. So a few days home from the hospital after a sponge bath that went all wrong I filled his tub with warm water and prepaired for screams. By the time I got him undressed he was good and mad, as soon as I laid him down in the warm water he was quiet. Two minutes later he was asleep.

I didn't think it would be so hard this soon. Its all worth it. Its just so hard to not know how to fix his pain.

He's getting so big. This week has been really tough for me physically and emotionally. Kylor has colic pretty bad his little tummy is always rolling and it causes allot of pain. The past 2 days have been really bad. NON STOP crying. I've done every thing I can think to do. he doesn't want anyone but me and that doesn't sooth him for long.

Ive tried to do my best. I eat allot to make sure his milk is fortified with all he needs. I try to stay away from anything that would cause gas for him. I was not drinking any caffeine. Mostly all water for me, not only for the past 2 days was it non stop crying there was NO sleeping for him. I felt so bad for him. Michelle's friend told me that drinking caffeine would have the reverse ridlin effect on the baby so I had a Sonic coke today. Ha! He has slept all day. I had to wake him up for 1 feeding. He is sleeping now. So maybe a coke or a glass of tea every now and then is not such a bad idea.

Kylor Loves Stevie. Stevie can hush him even when I cant sometimes. He's the only man that really holds him. Dad is not too comfortable with him yet. He will be when he is a bit bigger. It still reminds me of what a mistake I've made. I know I made the right decision with Michael who still hasnt called, I just mean an all around mess mistake. Certain things have been brought to my attention that just leave me confused.

I need to go think and sleep while the baby is in his cola induced slumber

flowerintherain @ 2006-02-26T00:09:00

2006-02-26T06:10:43Z

God help me I just want my baby.

Update

2006-02-26T03:16:12Z

First of all, Thank you for your prayers.

This is not an easy thing leaving your baby ever single day. Being told when you can and cant hold him. knowing that besides when you do it no one is snuggling him. Ugh.
but he will most likely be coming home in the next 7 to 10 days thank Jesus.

Kylor is doing really well. He weighs 4lb 3.3oz. he is bottle feeding ever other feeding now. I cant wait to get that stupid tube out of his nose! The little booger is picking his head up now! He's so strong.

Anyway, I must go I have many things to do and a nap to take.

I just want my baby

2006-02-23T05:01:17Z

Having a preemie baby makes you feel so guilty. Like It was to be something you did wrong. I should have stressed to my DR 2 weeks earlier that something was wrong, look at me again. I slept on my stomach. I worked too hard, I should have rested more. I should have drank better water. I should have eaten better. There are so many things that race through your head and you just know somehow its you, I did it.
Now I know these things are not true (except for the stessing to my doctor, A whole different story). I took care of myself, I ate all right, I stayed away from smokers, I cut down on caffeine ALLOT. I did allot to have a healthy pregnancy. I read in all the magazines that it is normal to feel guilty, that's why Kylors nurses should handle me with a little bit of care.

Kylor has a nurse that is Indian, we call her Georgie. She is a bit hard to understand but she trys to make sure you get what she is saying. She explains to me what all his orders mean and I understand what is going on. I lover her, She's sweet.

There is another nurse who is oriental, Glow is her name. The Sunday night that Kylor was born I was still not able to get out of the bed so I called the NICU to check on him and the are the first words she said to me " Oooh He stop breathing 3 time, we give him no oxygen."
What she meant was he had 3 apneas (SP?) he was mad and held his breath. She didn't explain that to me. She was busy and had to go so she hung the phone up on me, me alone in my room thinking he is struggling to breath.
Monday night I walked down to see him and she wouldn't let me hold him because the doctor had not ordered it. I understand that. It made me madbut I understood, so I simply asked that she to put it in his chart for the dr to answer that question. She wanted to be so pointed to do every thing just right, while she was standing there treating me like white trash that has a preemie baby because im some drug head, she gives Kylor 5 cc's too much milk. I am not a DR, it just seems like more milk would just fill him up, help him rest, and help him gain more weight. But it wasn't the DR's order, it could have made him sick, he wouldn't have digested it and set him back. If your gonna be a stickler, make sure your doing it right. Past that not only could I not hold him she wouldn't let me open his incubator and touch him. His temp has ran high ever since he was 24 hours old, not a fever, he just gets hot in there because he hold his body temp.
My first night home from the hospital I called to check on him she told me "He just cry and cry and cry cause he miss you." Which upset me? I didn't want to be home away from him and I truly doubt that he was crying because he missed me, if he was even crying at all.
Tonight she was his nurse again. She was rude, left me with questions because she was too busy to talk to me. Told me that if I came up there I couldn't hold him because the DR had not ordered it (which means she didn't put it in his chart the first time). I can NOT stand her. Tomorrow I am going to the head of the nursery. I dont feel that her actions are appropriate.

So pray for me. Its getting harder to be without him. I just want him home. I just want to look at him anytime I want to Touch him. I would hold not him allot if burns too may calories. I would keep him warm. I could do what they do for him. I could do it better, the last 2 times I went up there his bed was soiled and his diaper needed changing. I need him and he needs me. So I just pray for peace and comfort right now.

I am now a mama

2006-02-19T08:55:29Z

Today he is a week old and I cant even imagine it. It doesn't even feel real.
He was 6 weeks early. I guess he wanted to come to the baby shower.
Im so proud of him he is a trooper, he hasnt missed a beat on what he is supposed to be doing. I cant even believe how much I love him.
He is soo tiny but so strong. He has never had to have oxygen he is off the I.V. fluids. Monday he gets to have a bottle instead of being fed through a tube
(Which I HATE!)
He is beautiful. he truly is. He has a beautiful complexion, a head full of brown hair, big feet (seriously huge) , long toes and fingers, the sweetest little nose, and little full pink lips.

I named him Kylor Evan Eubanks
Kylor meaning peaceful
Evan meaning Warrior
I thought it would be a strong name for him to live up to especially right now.
He is strong though. Every day they keep having to turn his incubator down several time because he keeps getting too hot, he is maintaining his body heat.
I'll write more later, im tired now. I dont have allot of energy to do anything these past few days.
Pray for us. I wont lie and say it's easy being 30 minutes away from him. I know its for the best I am in no shape to take care of him right now, but that doesn't make it easy.

I have pictures of him but I cant post hem here. If you want to see just send me your email address

sleepy

2005-12-18T09:25:46Z

I was supposed to go to a 2 year olds birthday party today but I didnt. His name is Levi and he is absolutly adorable. He's a BIG flirt, little fart will batt his long eye lashes and big blue eyes at you and you cant hardly resist giving him what ever he wants. We got him the coolest gifts though, 2 plastic swords that make clinking metal noises when you swing them (one for his brother), a hammer that makes a pounding sound, a saw that makes a sawing sound, and two little work trucks. Im pretty sure he's gonna love it.

The reason I didnt go was my moms blood pressure. I didnt want to leave her alone with no car. At one point her BP was 189 over 101. Please pray for her.

My mom felt the baby move allot today. He was making such a ruckus (sp?) that you could see him move from across the room. I take it he was practicing jumping today.

I love christmas. I love the decorating and the sweets and well gifts are good too. But I can NOT wait for next year.... I just know its gonna be a blast.

A little comfort from within

2005-12-17T08:58:57Z

It is completely amazing that there is another human inside of me.
I have the hardest time grasping that some times. At time it is my greatest fear and others its my greatest comfort. I am a very high strung person, extremely emotional. Expecting a baby has caused me to really take control of my self. When I find my self getting angry thinking bad thoughts the baby gets extremely active. Its amazing that he senses these things. At time like that I just put my hand on my belly and apologize and I block those things from my mind.

I forget to talk to him on a regular basis. That makes me feel bad so im trying much harder.
I know that sounds silly, like he really understands me, but I think he does. I bought a monitor to listen to my baby's heart beat and "natural sound" kicks hiccups and movements. Well, for days I couldn't find the heartbeat. I wasn't worried at all, he was moving kicking turning, I just had not found where his heart was at the time. Finally I just put my hand on my belly and ask him to come right there, "I just wanted to talk to him and play with him." And no kidding less than a minute later I was listening to his heartbeat. I listened for nearly ten minutes, but then he had to go, he needed to rearrange my organs again, space is getting tight.

Ive only gained 3 pounds which means ive lost weight during this.
Im shocked at how my body has changed. That's all im gonna say about it.

flowerintherain @ 2005-12-08T03:11:00

2005-12-08T10:03:12Z

Well, I just read the cutest book today. Ida B. it will make you laugh and cry at the same time. Its about a little girl who sends little raft down stream with notes attached hoping they'll reach Canada and whose perfect world is falling down around her when she decides to do something about it. Heart warming. I think any one who knows how to read should read this.

I find it hard to beleive I am now in my third trimester
I am doing well. I'm recovering from the flu (yuck). The baby is doing good, growing, it has decided to take up kick boxing, twirling, and interior decorating or should I say interior rearranging. I'm am quite positive that any organ that started at the top is now at the bottom and vice versa.
Last months DR visit was the sonogram. It went perfectly, every thing on schedule.
We have established the little booger is very modest. We couldn't positively determine the sex because the baby was breach, sitting Indian style with its knees and ankles crossed.
There was one instant that the radiologist thought that this is a possible boy, although possible boy also means possible girl, I mean those are the only options.
We do think that the baby is a boy though. Instead of it I have started saying he. A few of the reasons we believe it is a boy is his heart rate is very fast, over 150 beats a minute, that usually indicates a boy. But the silliest reason but the one I trust the most is the pencil test. Ive never seen it be wrong.

I have moments of breath taking fear, a fear so strong that I am afraid to move for about 3 and one half seconds. I think this is very natural for any mother to be. But there are also moments that I just cant hardly wait. I get so excited i'm beside myself.

This has been one of the loneliest times of my life. Especially at night. Its hard to not have someone to tell all the little things to. To talk about first kicks and to watch my stomach move with. I love doing that, it amazes me and makes me laugh every time. although I know my decision was the best one I could make it is still hard at times. My parents and my sister have been completely supportive and I thank God for having them during this time.

My sister took me shopping when she came home from North Dakota. We went to all the thrift shops in mine and her surrounding area. I must say, we found some beautiful things.
I dont NEED a baby shower. We lost our minds shopping. We bought anything and every thing we wanted. The baby's dresser is stock full of clothes and that is just 0-3 and some 3-6 mo. and i have a big bag of bigger than that ready to replace the out grown items. The only thing he needs are diapers, OH and a name.
I had completely forgotten about a name until a week or so ago, it just dawned on me and I panicked. I find names that I like and then I change my mind, and I haven't found two names that work together yet. I do like Jonah, but Mom pointed out although Jonah did get the job done he was very stubborn about doing it. I dont want stubborn so I have to keep searching. ugh. I might just have to name him The Baby, and for the rest of his life he will be The Baby Eubanks.
I must be off the bed now, rest is very important in the recovery of the flu.

DNA not worth waisting a second thought on.

2005-10-12T03:34:54Z

Today was a very disappointing day. I know that these days are in store for me, it still dosnt make it any easier.
The father of my baby has not called me in months, which suits me just fine, after all I did kick him out.

But today when I went to the grocery store after picking up Alison to get stuff for hamburger when his apparent new girlfriend who works there comes up talking to me. I dont mind talking about when the baby is due and things such as that but she starts in saying really nasty things to me so I told her of course he called you, he need someone to support his habit and turned to walk away. I am not going to just sit down in the floor of the grocery store and cry. but as I walked away I got even more angry. The thing is I have every right to shop there without being harassed by an employee. I went and got a manager and told him how I felt about it. He said he would tend to it, but I sincerely doubt he will.

So as I pulled into my drive way I get a call from a private number, I answered it because I have allot of family and friends who have private number. When I did a voice I said "hey" I asked "who is this?" Then he screams at me "Who the F~~~ do you think you are calling me a F~~~ing coke head you stupid B~~~~, I'll make you think coke head!" I hung up on him and went straight in and called the sheriffs office. I dont have to and will not put up with that.
I wont lie, It really hurt. I'm not really sure why but it did. I feel so isolated and alone. I know that I am not. I know that is just a lie, but nevertheless, its how I feel. I dont want to do this. I dont want up to put up with this. I have to I just wish that I didn't.
I know all he is a liar, I know more than any one what he is up to. Knowing still doesn't take the edge off the sword. I pray for peace right now because nothing about me seems to feel at peace. My skin itches, my heart aches and I feel so tired yet sleep is not something I can do right now. God please help me feel right. Do right. Act right. Because right now I feel a total loss of every thing I am and I am just drifting aimlessly bumping into what ever comes my way.

Mother in the making

2005-10-11T07:06:50Z

I have only been home for a few days now and I have already lost track of time.
Ive been at my sisters house for 2 weeks due to hurricane Rita. She has DVR at her house and although this machine was created to allow you to walk away from the television, it is a tricky thing. You actually find yourself not being able to walk away from it. Crazy huh?

Living in the Houston area I have seen things in the last month that my grandparents generation never dreamed of. Millions leaving. I will not go into the detail of this at the moment. I will just say that it was something that you could or can see in a science fiction movie. People were scared, with good reason to be I might add, after seeing the disaster of Katrina and then seeing a Category 5 hurricane barreling for Galveston bay. It would have been complete devastation. It would seem reasonable to be struck with a wave of panic, although, I was not. in fact I hardly packed a thing, I baby sat up to hours before we left.
Watching the storm head towards my house did not scare me the way it did the others around me, only when I was cleaning my room up getting ready to leave and I was folding the rest of the baby clothes I have been buying and I looked down at the little white onesy in my hands ... that scares me. A whole human fitting in that.. more than that.. My whole little human. That scares me sometimes.

Sunday was a great day. I had breakfast with Mom and dad and then I got dressed up and went shopping. It was the first time in a long time that I felt pretty but still I dont feel like a mother-to-be really. I hardly ever go shopping but I enjoyed it. It was my first time to go maternity shopping besides just browsing the rack at Walmart. I went to a store in the mall called Motherhood. It has VERY cute maternity clothes, most outrageously priced though. But I found the perfect pair of khakis on sale for 75% off and I treated myself to a cute little box of Preggie Pop Drops a little hard candy that claims to reduce morning sickness. Then dropped by an old friends house. She was in the middle of preparing lunch (stewed chicken). A big silver pot half full of chicken wings covered in water, where she proceeded to pour ketchup, woistershire sauce, and a tall skinny bottle of green kinda chunky sauce she said was an island marinade. Then she put it on to boil. She asked me to stay for lunch but I had to respectfully decline lol. my next stop was taco bell where I ordered one of my favorite meals- a Mexican pizza, tacos and a crisp Pepsi.
I concluded my evening by watching a movie with my Mom. I spent every dollar I had but my day was priceless

Pictures in black and white.

2005-08-26T04:30:57Z

I saw my baby for the first time today And if I didnt know better i would say it waved to me.
This was not a scheduled appointment though. It started with a little bleeding at 5am , mom said this was normal and not to worry so I went back to bed.
well when I woke up at 9 it happened again , and then it didnt take a trip to the restroom to happen again. I am 3 hours from home so I called my docter and she said just to be safe to head to the emergancy room. They couldnt pick up a heart beat due to the early stage of my pregnancy so after many test that showed no active bleeding and allot of waiting they sent me for a sonogram probe (If you dont know what that is, dont ask), But a sonogram none the less.
Then there it was - a whole little baby with a big head, arms and legs and hands and feet. I could see its heart beating. It was beautiful. The baby was sooo active. I was amazed at all the movement. It was kicking and turning . I could almost promise you... I saw it turn and wave to me. it was so.. so.. comforting just to see it the with its little beating heart.
I wasnt really worried about the bleeding I knew it was in God's hands but will admit I was a little scared.
I was sent home and told bed rest no strenuous activity for a while.

I was gonna crack a joke today but didnt, now I wish I had. In Radiology when I was having the sonogram, when the baby first came on the screen I had the biggest urge to say in a shocked voice " Oh My God, im pregnant!"
But I chickened out.
So all is well thank you Lord and Im back to bed.

Old grapes and fresh chocolate cake

2005-08-12T11:06:55Z

Today has been one of those days that you realize you have faded your favorite black tee shirt or you backed your new vehicle into something behind you that you didnt see. Its your fault but you didnt intentionally do it. You didnt mean to lay your shirt in the bleach that you did spill a minute ago that you had not gotten up yet, or you knew the bicycle was behind earlier but you didnt move it then because your were too busy but how could you forget it was there... although you did when you left the house in a hurry. Its your fault but you didnt mean to do it.

I fell short.
But I dint fall short of grace.

If you pray.. please do.